It has been two days since I have slept. I try to close my eyes but each time I do I see the movie called "My Life" playing in cycles over and over again and again! My mind races all the time, I wish we had "ON" and "OFF" buttons so that we could turn our brains on and off!
48 hours ago I woke up with an extreme energy level that kept rising for the first 32 hours. Then after that I began to feel exhausted, tired, and and empty shell drained of energy and life. Living with Bipolar with Manic Cycles is hard to do. Trying to find a way to have a life is impossible.
Apparently having Bipolar is not enough for me, I also have sever panic attacks, and I am an agoraphobic. I have a violate crime committed against me several years ago, and ever since then my mind goes to the "worse case scenario" and I have all these unrealistic fears that keep me from leaving my home. Well my therapist says I have unrealistic fears, but the me they are real! I have to be medicated, knocked out, to even go to my therapist appointments or any other appointment. My husband medicates me an hour before my appointments and then he helps me into the car and takes me to my appointments.
I also suffer from Chronic Fibromyalgia, and when I do not sleep my physical pains increases by a 100%! Life is not fair and most the times it sucks, but I try to live each day one at a time as I walk with the Lord. I am not sure why I have these disorders, but I trust in the Lord to see me through each day.
However I am only human and I do have my weak moments, my "pity me" moments, and my "bitch moments", but through it the Lord stands by and so does my wonderful, caring, very patient, and loving husband. If I did not have him my life would mean so much less. I am very grateful for my husband and I thank the Lord everyday for bringing the two of us together.
I am using my Blog as a way to vent my frustrations, to give knowledge to my illnesses, and to have a place for my thoughts, because sometimes writing/typing them down makes them seem a little less fearsome then they sometimes seem to me in my mind.
Sometimes the most scariest place in the world for me is inside My Head!!!
Powered by Blogger.
